From what I remember of my life from the past I know that in some ways I am a different person but in others I will never completely out grow myself.
Those little mannerisms that just seem to stick, the way I can't eat (temperature) hot food or the way I wrinkle my nose when it's itchy. Those I will always keep because they are a part of who I am.There are those that I have made a conscious effort to ditch -like eating off other peoples plates and being too quiet...
But then I think back on how I was sooo petrified of the dark, so scared that I would be frozen in my bed too scared to move-the light and shadows of the moon shining through the screen and my windows would always be darker because of the greenhouse right outside my bedroom with all its hanging orchids and their long grasping leaves that seemed to sway and stalk the dark.And I haven't even started on the eyes in my cupboard...All the cupboards along the one wall had to be closed...They were in this dark wood and the grain of the wood would play tricks on my eyes contorting into strange faces and eyes that would stare and stare accentuated by the dark and my imagination.
So I would try and lie as still as possible trying not to move an inch-until I had to move to scratch an itch and then it would itch all over and then they would see me...Then I would cover my head with the blanket only to have the heat cause my lungs to scream for fresh air....I would finally convince myself that it was ok to take a peak outside the safety of the blanket for air only to be confronted with the eyes again....
This was my night-time reality for the first years of my life-well I slept in my parents room most nights and I'm sure it couldn't have been too good for their sex life-but you don't think that far when your small...I just knew that Daddy didn't like me coming in all the time.
So I've changed, evolved to the days that have become part of my life and part of me-I like to think that I have come a long way-I am no longer scared to the dark and I think that is because I have realized that there are things in this world that are far more menacing than the dark-it's what lurks in the shadows of the light that can be far more dangerous -always under the pretence of good.
Those little mannerisms that just seem to stick, the way I can't eat (temperature) hot food or the way I wrinkle my nose when it's itchy. Those I will always keep because they are a part of who I am.There are those that I have made a conscious effort to ditch -like eating off other peoples plates and being too quiet...
But then I think back on how I was sooo petrified of the dark, so scared that I would be frozen in my bed too scared to move-the light and shadows of the moon shining through the screen and my windows would always be darker because of the greenhouse right outside my bedroom with all its hanging orchids and their long grasping leaves that seemed to sway and stalk the dark.And I haven't even started on the eyes in my cupboard...All the cupboards along the one wall had to be closed...They were in this dark wood and the grain of the wood would play tricks on my eyes contorting into strange faces and eyes that would stare and stare accentuated by the dark and my imagination.
So I would try and lie as still as possible trying not to move an inch-until I had to move to scratch an itch and then it would itch all over and then they would see me...Then I would cover my head with the blanket only to have the heat cause my lungs to scream for fresh air....I would finally convince myself that it was ok to take a peak outside the safety of the blanket for air only to be confronted with the eyes again....
This was my night-time reality for the first years of my life-well I slept in my parents room most nights and I'm sure it couldn't have been too good for their sex life-but you don't think that far when your small...I just knew that Daddy didn't like me coming in all the time.
So I've changed, evolved to the days that have become part of my life and part of me-I like to think that I have come a long way-I am no longer scared to the dark and I think that is because I have realized that there are things in this world that are far more menacing than the dark-it's what lurks in the shadows of the light that can be far more dangerous -always under the pretence of good.
posted by Miss Wendy Eileen at 10/30/2005 02:14:00 AM
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