I feel the cold wind blowing from the north, that cold, cold place that stretches further than my dreams. Climbing out the bed- I stare out the window to the trees outside, they're cold too.
The sky a blanket of color, those alternating greys and whites. My breath showes on the window - a small circle of condensation that I write on. I write a heart.

I stare out at the storm building now.That chaos that will sweep past and spill on me.
Where do I hide? Reeling mind with things I see, the world a winter storm.
Days to carry me
on with life
on to life
on to be
on to see
I could be anything I want to be
but for that which holds back

My blog is worth $0.00.
How much is your blog worth?

This is off the first spool of film I took. Of my sister and my mom...%)

My first ever water colour since pre-school done sitting in Port Elizabeth...No, I was actually thinking about Mossel Bay...don't like P.E.lol, too windy.

That sketch of my mom, it was actually done on the back inside of a Beatrix Potter book...had to rip it out%) and that was when I was 9. I don't understand... now I can only paint.
Mom,Tracy, my dad ( as a baby), grandfather( on the horse) and me.

Me-too small for my dads boots...

A day of bright ideas...thanks to a fellow blogger, thanks Emi! Great stuff! My mind a mirror of freedom.

lalala

green bugs, biological models....that and more!

Ahhh, dear, oh dear...ok, well something interesting and amusing for a change please-

News up date....My cell phone/mobile got lost/stolen.lol

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The moon tilts its head to gaze at the earth

as the sun spins her round of the planets

but who will win the blue earths favor....

the moon beams, I am closer

but no, says the sun, I have staying energy- I keep life

the moon wisely says I will bow to the revelation of your light!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Magnificent blue
yes it's true
the sea for me
sparkling diamond
bursting seams
summer dreams
fill me up
crowds unplugged
winter come
hum drum numb
tide turned round
it settles down
cars away
they cannot stay
the town on a diet please!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


December, my time
it could be summer
it could be spring
but yet here I sit shivering
and wondering
why me?

why not...
just hop on that plane
or hoist that sail
could swim the channel
to flee the island
go feel the rain
perhaps in Spain
ahhh....

round and round
everythings round
the sun and the moon
year in and year out
tomorrows and yesterdays all over again
so why don't I just choose summer
and why don't I just see blue
the sun and the sea and there's me all brown...

my fingers are cold!

sad lines etched in place
on an old empty face
hmm what care served them well?
did it matter?
all those bothers?
were they worth your pretty smile?
what's it like living gloom?
is it like feeling blue?
I think I'll write a pick up line
would that now win your smile?

The place we go to draw the line


to start with...
what is life?
the days
the field I grow
the ways
the life I know
the maze
my journey shows
on me
I could be
for you
but then
who knows
and such is life
a toast to her unknown
my life a book of days
who knows
you might have a chapter


did you ever dream a dream
where reality unseen
just around the corner
comes true
just for you
yes they say
it happened
true
on a day like today
I woke up to see a dream in me
I woke up to my new life
I woke up to my dream

The difference a year can make people....Me now and me then...I am going to be sooo hot when I'm 40!Just like my mom. lol

Hmmmm, what to write-I feel like I should be all deep and meaningful and capture my thoughts so eloquently as to splash the expensive words out...Yes-oh, to break the bank of words...If only-except I seem to have forgotten my pin number somewhere-did I tell you about my wonderful week? No?

Hmmm, where to start-I'll start with me leaving my purse on the bus...Yes this all at my expense-I assure you. It's a good laugh-a cheap one on me.

Well...

Ok, where was I?-just leaving the bus...
So I leave my purse and spend a very happy sunny bright cold, crisp, coke advert like, gift wrapped, delectable, insatiable, describable day. Oblivious of the absence of that one very important thing without which I really have my hands tied - it being the closest thing to a prison cell when you're free...So I have to go to the bank and tell them that some very, dear, sweet, kind, fantastic, police detective officer person cancelled all my cards...Without which I will have to produce some form of ID whenever I want my money.

And so because I want my money there and then I go to the bank-but on this, another day the wind is everywhere open doors would allow, and seeps into my coat trying to say hello to my frozen, tortured, goose bumped,blue and purple splashed, uninterestingly cold skin. Granted I do understand that it is supposed to be Winter but tell that to my body.

Walking across the road there is a old indian lady sporting a cane to ease her limp who gets to the bank door the same time as me, so I signal for her to go first. Feeling very proud of myself I go in after her.I sigh and enjoy the warm inside of the bank like a little penguin inside it's daddy penguin when the mother goes on vacation to the sea. I get all warm and fuzzy thinking happy thoughts about how I beat the cruel and cold wind outside when I start getting very warm. Too warm now. So warm that my nose goes red.

I produce my drivers license and walk out a very happy bunny to my lessons for the day-only to get a phone call from my mom...( she goes red-the whole face but with a particular amount more on the cheeks it must be said)....

Pooks?

Mom!

Um, sweetie...I got a call from someone who said that she has your drivers license?

Uh, no as far as I know I haven't lost it, it's in my bag...(going pale)Oh.

Yes, well they say it's at a bank that you went to earlier? Someone found it outside on the pavement.They say you have to go pick it up today-but I'm not sure about when the bank closes so try and get there before three, ok?Think you can do that?

Thanks mom-I can take....Yes I'll do that.

Ok, Pookie, mummies very worried about you my girl, I want you to start thinking and to grow up.This absent mindedness must stop, I do realize that you are creative. But Mom's not going to be around forever and these things can't go on happening...I mean just last week there was that thing with the bus...

Uhhhh, Mom um, gotta go...

And that time when you forgot your mobile on the counter of the garage shop...

I, well...it(sigh) so....I think you mean that time it might have been stolen...

No, my angel you told me that you left it there...

Well I cant really remember that well but it might also have been stolen...And anyway I remember that one time you left your keys in the post box and that other time you left your wallet on top of the car as you drove away from the petrol station...

...Just promise me that you will take better care of your self. You're very precious to me, my Skatterbol, mommy doesn't ever want to loose you, my Pooks. No matter what you do just remember that you can always tell me...Are you doing drugs? Don't worry-I don't mind if you smoke-just tell me.
I love you so much.


I KNOW...MMMOM! And I cant help that I'm dyslexic and everything.It's just that I don't feel like you even know me!!! Drugs?!?!


And so the curtain closes on the fading picture of two silhouettes on either side of the line talking or rather having a discussion till the issue is perfectly round.So round in fact that anyone looking in could mistake it for the moon.

%)

The rain softly washed to water down the road ,round the bend and on to the ground.
the side of the path
She looked up at the sky and felt it fall,
she looked up at the rain and was so small
she looked up
she looked up
and it stopped on her face
to touch down her cheeks and to the grass
washing,washing away

mother
true and real
always there
always to feel
you always knew the lines
the ones that make everything fine
you always knew my thoughts
the ones that I would rather hide
you always knew what to do
when I didn't have the will

Mother
on the days that I cried
you were always by my side
on the days that I loved
you always held my trust
and all those things that I tried to hide
I would tell you
you knew anyway

mother
when I'm old and grey
I will always remember
what you had to say
your words
I wish I could bottle
and keep
because they are so special
and very dear to me
Everyone a priceless gift
that pearl of wisdom that I can only hope to absorb

Mother
never let me be
I need you still
I need you for me
I need you for you
your lectures
your talks
your notes
your thoughts
your poems
your hugs
your smiles
your calls
your food
your time
your love
your perfection
your patience
your grace
your style
your protection
your understanding
your beauty
your unselfishness
you're everything
you're you.
my sunshine

Today...hmmmm well I woke up quite early and got a bus into London as I was in Sandhurst-arrived in Victoria station after an uneventful bus ride in...It was as interesting as usual-that particular dreamlike cold feeling you get when your at the back of the bus early in the morning sitting on the last seat that is my favorite-well it's my favorite on a coach but when I'm on a red double Decker bus I like the front more to be honest-the left side has this special elevated little platform just wide enough for me to put my left foot on it comfortably...It makes my day when that happens-when the left seat in the front of the top of the double Decker bus is empty waiting for me to fill it!Yes, a very happy bunny.

So I got off at Victoria loving my nice warm coat more for the cold weather-I shouldn't have been cold at all considering I was wearing stockings, socks, warm boots, three thermals and the big coat-but inspite of all of this I couldn't stop shaking and stop my teeth involuntarily chattering away-someone remarked on my blue lips...And I don't wear blue lipstick, don't need to it seems.

I walked through the big open space that is Victoria central station to the underground passing so many people and their lives-its so strange how different contexts make so much of a difference to how you behave to different people.
On the underground every one had their underground face on. I like talking to people-but my mother says I'm too trusting-and that I shouldn't be like that as there is a reason why people do have a underground face on. You never know who your talking to Wendy.
Well I wont know unless DO I talk to them-and you can see by peoples eyes-they usually tell you a lot about the type of person your looking at.

So I got on the underground....Had an entire day of interesting hours-all of them....learning quite a bit from Winston. Then at 5pm I was back on the Jubilee line heading South again...At about 5:30 someone got on but held the door open to the train to wait for someone else to get on at which the emergency alarm went off and the very irate voice of the conductor come clearly through to the crowded car-please remove your foot from the door, please remove your foot REMOVE YOUR FOOT FROM THE DOOR, there are people here who are TIRED and have had a LONG day and who have CHILDREN and LOVED ones who are waiting for them to get home, please REMOVE your foot from the DOOR!Then suddenly there was another voice over the system-We apologize for the delay ladies and gentlemen and will be on our way shortly...

At which point all the underground faces came off and everyone sort of managed a half smile-but I couldn't stop smiling which got everyone looking at me and I didn't want all those underground faces to do that so I stopped.Well tried to at least-don't you just hate uncontrollable laughter made more obvious by the complete lack of it around you??? I do.

So then it was the last day for the greenline -a coach service that I use when I travel between Sandhurst and London-I got on at Victoria again and thought nothing of it sitting at the very back of the bus-though I am really going to miss the cheap fares...

At Hyde park all the regulars got on- David, Erik, Sharon, and Chris-well those are the names I can remember...as I only just learnt all their names last night, but we had a little party at the back of the bus complete with wine and crisps...It was so lovely talking to everyone usually I just sit at the back and pretend to read whilst sleeping or daydreaming, as I stare out the window at nothing in particular.
But last night I really only began to get to know the people that I know so well but just on face value-put it like this if I saw anyone of them in a shop we would stop and talk and find quite a lot to say but in the familiar surroundings of the bus everything is relative to how we have behaved there up till that moment-the bus service ending was a catalyst to change it gave everyone an excuse to come out their shells and the 7 bottles of wine weren't a bad idea either...Some of them have been using the service for 15 years....

I got off at Blackwater and discovered that I was out of air time....So I walked through the park (Memorial park) in the dark-it was so beautiful all the fire works going off in every direction lighting up the dark park with its fields and streams and trees all distorted into strange unknown shapes and shadows... only to be lighted in green, pink, blue, white and yellow lights flying through the dark sky.

I got to the lake and wished for my camera which I had left again...It would have been perfect to take photos of the fireworks-the line of trees and the reflection on the water of the bursts of colour.
ButI'm not really allowed to walk through the park as it's too dangerous so I don't think I will get that shot unless someone is brave enough to come with me and tempt fate. My days of walking though the park in the dark all alone are over...Sigh.As someone very dear pointed out to me-I might not take care of myself but there are other people who care about me so I should do it for them...and I realze I can be selfish so I'm going to try and change and always keep my camera joined to my hip.

I've been taking a lot of indoor studio shots with my camera but they are all in RAW now so even though I do have the program to convert them to jpeg I cant as my computers memory isnt enough and it keeps crashing under the pressure of everything I try and make it do...so when I get my laptop or buy some extra memory for this pc you will see the shots...they are really great! I am so excited-I took some of butterflys-the wings and their detail I think they are better as I have been thinking of taking of butterflies for a while now-always keeping an eye out for them in the wild -but lucky for me all these were dead pined down with little pins so they were not going anywhere- I really took advantage of that.The wings reminded me of leaves you know just like looking at the shape and the veins that make it so stong...

I'm going to private lessons with this photographer Winston-he's a professor of science, photography and a doctor in music...he has so many awards and is part of the fellowship of the queen and the royal british society of something-he just has done very well...been taking photos for 46 years and was a photographer for vogue. He is a wonderful teacher and I think I will/am learning quite a bit from him-I am doing this as I have never studied photography till now and think that its a good idea to get qualified so fingers crossed I will...I think that I will improve now-all the photos that you've seen so far on this blog are just me mucking about-but now hopefully I will become a master of the art. I aim to be the best I can be-even though I always seem to forget my camera...

I suppose the main objective for me in taking photos would be to get people to lose themselves in the photo...Well that is what my mom says-quote on quote: You must take photos that people will lose themselves to, something to draw them in and get them to think...

So please lose yourself, be drawn in, and please think.

Ahh the vibrant colours of autumn! Autumn is here! Autumn is here!

To those of you who didn't know...this is what West Wittering looked like on the 31st of July in the year 2005 ( this year)

The swimming river parted for the weight of her canoe as she dipped her oars and strained against the laughing,swirling currents that threatened to pull her down.
Haunting music of stream as the sweeping water bent more rules.
Like herself hopeful reeds struggling for peace.
For a place in the bed of stone,rock, sand and water.
The birds perched with glittering eyes preying for fish, on prey for life.
The air a mix of the river smells, the trees and the sky.